Haven

The beginning of August we were so excited to find out that we were expecting baby number seven.

Marc and I were just as excited with this pregnancy as we were with any of the others. Sometimes I think the older you get it is even more amazing to think of "another one". Life is such a miracle. We waited a few days and told the oldest two children. McKenzie was up late one night working on an embroidery project when I told her. I don't think I will ever forget how sweet her reaction was. She clapped her hands together, cried and said, "Are you serious?" She was so excited. Matthew just grinned and said, "Cool." After another couple of weeks went by I felt like we were safe to tell the other two girls. Madeline was very excited and Mariah just kept saying, "Please don't tease me if this isn't true. I am so excited!" Yes, another baby would be very much welcomed in our home.

I scheduled my appointment around the time that I would be 9 weeks pregnant. The only day I could get an appointment with my midwife was on Malachi's birthday. I took him and Madeline (so she could watch him during my app.) with me thinking it would be a fun day. On the first OB appointment they always do a sonogram to measure for an accurate due date. I went in there expecting everything to look fine. I immediately saw the shadow of the baby and a strong little heartbeat. I kept thinking that it didn't look as big or as distinct as it should for nine weeks though. Then the lady doing the sonogram said, "You are really early." I knew then something wasn't right. She and my midwife were very positive and told me to come back in the next week for another ultrasound, that I had miscalculated. The only problem was that it meant I would have only been 2 weeks pregnant when I had a positive pregnancy test and that doesn't happen.

I left the doctor's office very upset and discouraged. I immediately called my husband who was his usual positive self and he kept telling me to trust the Lord. We told the children that the baby was very small and there was a good chance I would miscarry. I really hoped for a miracle but the Lord had other plans for our little one. The next week the sonogram showed that the baby had not grown and the heart beat was very faint. I knew that at 10 weeks I should be able to see arm and leg buds and that it was very obvious this baby wasn't going to make it. I went home to wait on "nature to take its course."

McKenzie brought these flowers to me that evening when she came home from teaching piano lessons.
It has been a very sad time and I feel like I have been on an emotional roller coaster. I don't think anyone can understand miscarriage unless you have experienced it. It is not a fun thing to go through. Sometime between week 10 and 11 the baby must have died because a little after week 11 I miscarried. One of the things that I had prayed was that the Lord would allow me to see the baby. I did not want to just flush it down the toilet. Amazingly I did find the baby, and as heartbreaking as it was I was so grateful to have it. I wanted to do some kind of memorial for the baby. We decided to bury it in our garden area and plant bulbs that will come up in the spring when the baby would have been born. One night in the bed Marc asked me if I had a feeling of what sex the baby was and did I want to name it. I told him I felt like it was a girl. Our family are all "M" names but I couldn't come up with any "M" name that seemed fitting. The only consolation I had through this was thinking that the baby was in heaven and would always be safe. I told Marc I thought "Haven" (which means a safe dwelling place) would be neat but I felt sad not giving it an "M" name. He assured me that she wouldn't care. We even had a good laugh thinking about if we get to heaven and it was a little boy! :o) (Although, Haven is English and is considered a unisex name.)

I also wanted something for the house that would remind me of the baby when I see it. Marc and I found this cross with "Trust" on it that I knew had to be it!

I hung it where the next baby's picture would have hung. It seems fitting for now.

Well, this has been a road that I would rather not have traveled. I would love to say that I had the perfect faith and trusted the Lord through the whole thing. Malachi pretty much summed it up tonight. I had to go back to have more blood work done today and the sonogram lady came out to see me and brought the sonogram pictures to me. They were laying on the kitchen table and Malachi asked me what they were. I told him that they were pictures of our baby. He asked me if I had a baby in my tummy, and I told him that Jesus had taken our baby to heaven. He said, "Well, that's not fair." Nope, doesn't seem fair at all. We heard a family sing this song a couple of years ago and the lyrics have been on my mind a lot lately.

"Here I am before you Lord
falling at Your feet
My longing is to know You more
Your purpose to complete
When I look around me
its so hard to understand
I want to see You move, Lord
I want to see Your hand
Trusting You, Lord
does not come easily to me
Trusting You, Lord
I need Your eyes, that I may see
When the way is dark and I'm afraid
and don't know what to do
Help me take my eyes off me, Lord
and keep my eyes on YOU.
I stand upon Your promise, Lord
You have a plan for me
And though I may not see it yet
I'll trust You faithfully
You have spoken to my heart
a message strong and true
So I'll gather up my courage, Lord
and humbly follow You.
Trusting You, Lord
does not come easily to me
Trusting You, Lord
I need Your eyes, that I may see
When the way is dark and I'm afraid
and don't know what to do
Help me take my eyes off me, Lord
and keep my eyes on YOU."

"The Lord gave and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." Job 1:21