Several weeks before the adoption I attempted to write a draft that I would share after adoption day. I would write.... back space.... and write some more. I couldn't even dream of what it would be like when it was all over. I never did get it finished, so here is a post I wrote on FB. I thought I would just share it on here. There are still times I look at his sweet little face and just want someone to pinch me!
I have been wondering what this day would feel like for a long time. The next day.... the dust has settled... and he is mine. It is hard to put into words how we feel today. I have lots of thoughts going through my head.
Several months ago Madeline made these t-shirts for Matthias and me. They have the lyrics to a song that has come to mean so much to me on this journey. It started with it playing on my very first day as his foster mom. I had been to court for the first time and was headed to Savannah. Let me back up....
I have had lots of questions throughout this process, and for the most part I have been pretty vague. I still don't plan to share much of his story, because.... it's HIS story to share one day. But for our part, one of the things we get asked. No, we didn't go into this to adopt. We were willing, but our goal was to foster. We also didn't request a newborn.
:) I have had seven babies.... and I KNOW how much work they are!
:) However, we said we were willing to take up to two children at a time and up to 5 or 6 years old. Macheus was only four when we started this journey, and we didn't want to go much older than him.
The day they called me and asked if I would be willing to go pick up a newborn I had no idea for how long this placement would be. I didn't know if it was a boy or a girl, the race, or any details, and I kind of assumed a relative would step up and get him. As I pulled into the hospital parking lot I prayed for his mother. I cried thinking about how excited I was when I took my babies home from the hospital. I felt so guilty for "taking" this precious baby from its mother. I went up to the NICU door and told them why I was there. We had to wait on DFCS and a court order before I could even see him. Once our social worker got there I got to see him and learn his story. I think that is the moment that I felt a fierce protective mode kick in. My prayers have never stopped for his mother, but they changed to a desperate cry for the Lord to protect him from the dark, dark place she was physically and spiritually.The court dates where they terminated each parent were filled with thankfulness, but also with sadness at the great loss. Christmas, his first birthday (I think my family was worried when I started crying.
:) ) , all of his milestones, and of course yesterday I thought of her.
When Marc and I considered the journey of foster care we knew it would be overwhelming and scary, but we didn’t realize the impact it would have on us or the blessings it would bring to our lives. I stand in amazement at how the Lord took a broken and heartbreaking situation and created the story that He has.
So, back to the song.... I can't even imagine how many times I have played it. It usually made me cry, and I would pray that my faith would be strong. There were SO many "God things" throughout this year. God's hand has been on this little fellow, and I am so humbled that I get to be his mommy and watch it unfold!
I can't end this post without talking about my amazing husband and kids. Marc has been a rock throughout this process. We sat many hours in the courthouse lobby waiting for hearings. It isn't a fun place to be, and I was always so anxious. He would sit with his Bible reading scripture after scripture while I would give him the "buts", and the "what ifs". The stress took a toll on us at times. If you want to test your marriage, be a foster parent!
:) And my kids.......This year has shown me that they are pretty awesome kids! It does affect the whole family. Last minute.... "The social worker is coming..... or CASA worker is coming!" and they would get busy picking up the house or helping with the boys' school. Watching them take this little stranger into our home and love him like one of our own has been one of my favorite parts! Matthew told me the first week that he wasn't going to "get attached" until we knew he was staying. It wasn't long until he was wrapped around that tiny pinky.
:)
There are so many things I could say. So many people that prayed..... God gave me an incredible social worker that was always a peaceful presence....a wonderful pediatrician that assured me that the baby was fine when I would be worried....and most importantly a Heavenly Father that loved this baby more than I did, protected him from so much, and was incredibly long-suffering with me.
"A child born to another woman calls me mommy. The magnitude of that tragedy and the depth of that privilege are not lost on me." Jody Landers
